Good-bye to 2004 . . .

The ending of 2004, and several good-byes this past year. Two friends funerals were attended. My mom died in the spring at age 76. There were no good-byes personally with her. But, yet, we are suppose to bury our parents. We never expected to bury our healthy, active, 16 year old son. But, God's ways are not our ways, and so, we say our good-byes, to this year and precious ones.

Jayson & Benjamin just spent the past 24 hours with some close friends - their first time away, and it was good. They had a lot of fun - went rock climbing! But, the hard part for them was coming home. Matthew would have been one to really share their excitement - he probably would have been slightly jealous they he had not gone. Benjamin broke down. The ache of missing his brother.

Norm & I had a good visit with some close friends yesterday. The man (John) lost his wife, Nancy, 2 years ago. This couple was real special to us, as I lived with them for a year before Norm & I were married. We have watched their children grow up, get married and now having children. John & his one daughter and her two children came over last night. It was sweet fellowship, special memories, and tears. They helped us a lot in sorting out what we will be going through "somewhat" in the next year, but encouraged us to go through this as we need to - not by what others tell us we should or should not do. We have had many wonderful offers from family and friends to help us remodel the bathroom and bedroom downstairs, which has all the memories - some good, and some not so good, of Matthew. But, we now understand for the most part, this is something we as a family need to do ourselves, in working through the grief. We do not want to remove the memories of Matthew, but need to build new ones with our family, and work through this deep ache together. We don't just want it thrown together to help cover it up.

So, we know it will be a slow process. The boys are still all sleeping upstairs in the living room, and that is okay! We are all staying close, talking a lot, and this way, the boys cannot escape to their own little territory and hide away their feelings.

Today we took the family out for lunch for the first time, minus Benjamin & Jayson who were with their friends. Jessica remembered how the last time we went out as a family was for pizza at the end of October for a birthday celebration. Many little things jog our memories. These are sweet, but bring the tears.

Thank you again for your many nice notes of encouragement. WE NEED THEM - even if we don't respond. You will never know how many time the right words, just knowing someone is praying, has come at the right time. You are not bothering us, you are encouraging us. Most of all we appreciate your prayers.

So, we will begin a new year. It will be different. It's of course not at all as we anticipated. But, because of God's grace, mercy and tenderness, we know we will make it, one day at a time. We don't know what 2005 holds for us, but we know Who holds it for us.

~~Loni