And so we start 2005 . . .

The day was much harder than we thought. We did our usual getting together last night with close friends, to welcome in the new year. Norm & I were pretty numb as the clock struck twelve. We observed others celebrating and having fun, which was fine, but it was hard to join the celebrations. We just held each other's hands tight.

We noticed last night as our children mingled with several close families that we know well - also that have large homeschooling families, that there was more of a keyed down tone. There was still lots of noise with 50+ people, but it was different. We noticed especially with our oldest son, Stephen (17 1/2) he was much quieter. We asked him several times if he was ok, even offering to leave early. Stephen has been the one who I think has tried to be the "man of the house" since Matthew's death, trying to hold us together, and keep us going. He was the first one to tell me with his arms around me, that he thought Matthew was gone, even before the ambulance arrived. So, I was watching this "strong" boy, who we have told numerous times to him, that it was ok to grieve, and he'd tell us he's hurting inside, but the tears don't come.

Today, they came. Norm & I are hurting so much, but to see our children hurt just make the pain to almost the unbearable point. Stephen just wept, and his whole body shook. He said he has missed Matthew from the beginning, and hurt, but now just sees all the differences with him gone, and the pain is really actually hurting his body. He said even though they were so different, they could talk well, tease well, and just misses his buddy. All of life will be different with him gone. God knew this from the very beginning, but we never anticipated this, and so many dreams seem shattered along with our hearts. I am thankful to see that Stephen was able to share, show the tears, and yet, oh, how I wish I could take the pain away from my living children.

And as I type this, I am listening to my favorite CD, New Mercy, by Karey & Kelly Nickel. One of their songs was just on, "He Doeth All Things Well". I will end with the words to this song. The music is beautiful and hope that if someone needs this, will encourage them to visit the site above to purchase it. This CD is played numerous times throughout the day in our home (has for quite a few years).

I know it's for my good,

still it's not understood,

why God would lead me here,

drowning in tears, broken and alone.

Yet I hear the Savior's voice,

the gentle healing voice,

I know, reminding me that He,

is always close to me and gives me strength to say,

I know He doeth all things well.

He doeth all things, well.

When you can't see love through the pain,

and your heart says God's to blame,

friend remember,

He doeth all things well.

So, when you have cried all you can cry,

still you found no reason why, my friend,

this is what I found,

grace always abounds,

grace will see you through.

For He comforts those who weep,

gives mercy to the weak.

I know, for I've questions too,

felt the same as you and will stand and say,

I know He doesth things well.

He doeth all things well.

When you can't see love through the pain.

And your heart seems to say God is to blame

Friend remember, He doeth all things well.

When you just can't see love through the pain,

and your heart says God is to blame,

just remember, He doeth all things well.

Just remember, He doeth all things well.

Words from New Mercy CD

by Karey & Kelly Nichel

Song titled, "He Doeth All Things Well"