6 Months

The 11th – a Saturday – 26 weeks - exactly 6 months ago today began the most horrible day of our lives. Some days we can breath easier, and think, things will be ok. And then another day will hit like a storm, and send us twirling through the funnel cloud. Norm and I had a long talk about what we have been through, last night. We don’t often have these heart to heart talks, but we did. Yesterday was another one of those hard days. We went to a graduation party for a girl I used to babysit for before Jessica was born. They are neighbors also. I babysat for their 3 children for about 3 years – and our boys golf with their boy. We’ve watched our kids grow up. Their kids had a very hard time when Matthew died. I will never forget just holding the two girls who just shook so hard, and crying with them. They remembered playing school together and probably annoying each other like brothers and sisters do. Yesterday was one of the first times I saw the girls since the funeral. Looking at all the pictures of the one who was graduating grow up, remembering her the age she was when we babysat her and remembering the times they spent with both especially Stephen and Matthew. It made my heart ache – for another thing that will never happen. No graduation – no graduation party – no more planning for the future for Matthew. He’s gone.

I’ve really tried to get myself involved in other things, different focuses, more Bible studies, more music, etc., I don’t want my mind just thinking of this pain, the “what if’s” the reality of death. It’s “only” been 6 months – which in some ways seems SO long ago – and someway seems just like yesterday. “Most” have been good about understanding our pain, but we can sense the “getting on with life” with others, more avoidance, and probably because “we” have changed, it may appear to us others have changed, or at least our relationships have changed. I guess we are at the point of “how” do we go on? I don’t mean this in a despairing way, but, how do we get beyond the great grief, the continual missing him, the thoughts that come into our minds, the thoughts of “wanting” to do things without him. Norm has mentioned about doing a short vacation to get away with the whole family, yet, it just won’t be the same. We “have” to do it for the other kids, yet, we know how much Matthew would love something like this, and there’s just this new difference of trying to get use to. When will we get “use” to this? When will a song not seem sad, or when will the joy come back into our hearts?

We had a stillborn daughter 71/2 years ago. It was really hard & we do not minimize whatsoever of the difficulty of losing a baby or child at any age. But this has been a lot deeper. With Angela, it was dreams that were never made that were broken. We did not have years of memories in the house to go through. Sometimes that actually hurt, because of the lack of memories. Norm & the kids could not relate as much as I did as I had more of a bond with Angela than they did. And though no child or baby can be replaced, empty arms were filled a little over a year later which certainly helped. But with Matthew, it’s a pain I never experienced – and just cannot explain. Of course, a lot has to do with the way he died, and still going through that idea of his plain foolishness, and his being yet a normal person who sins and makes dumb mistakes. Yet, it can still anger us but most of all give that sharp pain in our hearts. To see the pain in my children, and now moreso my husband, and just this “time” seems long, and hard. I said to Norm, I wish I could “get over” this pain, and I understand it will come, but just want normalcy again. It’s been very rough in so many ways.

Why do I share this? We certainly need prayer, and for healing, and for the joy that comes in the morning. I get panic stricken when I can’t find one of the kids, or just the jolt of thinking something can happen to one of them. Norm reminds me of thinking on things which are pure, lovely, truthful, and not being enslaved to thoughts of despair. But, yes, it can be overpowering. When Norm and I were first married, and I’d think of the return of Jesus and the rapture, I really prayed God give us time, to have children and grow old together. Now, I pray it’s soon, to prevent our children from going through hard times and to save their hearts from this world of sin and chaos. “Even so come Lord Jesus!”

Pray for more peace – for us to remember the pleasure of LIFE with our children, to have the child-like faith of our young children who will say “why do you cry mommy – Matthew is in heaven – he doesn’t hurt. He’s with Jesus.” Pray for us looking forward to the new day, rather than just “making it” through this day. Pray for Norm & I to have joy again. We want our children to see our faith in God and know without a doubt God makes no mistakes.

Thank you for reading through this rambling – most of all thank you for praying.