ELEVEN MONTHS

It’s 11 months, today. The last few days have been really hard - today especially - tears are near so often. This last month as we remember where we were a year ago, is so hard. Today is the “grand sale” at the place Matthew worked at. They have a 25% off sale every year at this time and it was so packed last year. I remember watching him from afar, and saw some friends I had not seen in years, and proudly pointed out my son, working at the counter. I can’t go today. I’d probably end up sobbing in the store. Around this time last year Matthew & I had a lunch at Arby’s. I was doing a Christmas gift list. He helped me with ideas for his siblings. This is when he told me he wanted a new Bible. It was put on the list. He was buried with that Bible. Yet, I am thankful for that special lunch date, which we rarely did. God must have made the arrangements. Sometime during this coming month there had been a bad storm and on his way home from work, his car did a complete u-turn in the middle of a normally busy road. Thankfully, no one was coming the opposite direction, and he made it home safely. I knew the roads had been bad, and had been praying for him. He was quite late getting home and was very shook up. He had only been driving a few months. God spared him, and gave us several more weeks – if only I had known. Thanksgiving – I think we all dread it. Oh, we have so much to be thankful for. It's the "day". Last year we did it all different and stayed home and had our own family time and it was truly special. I am thankful for that “last” picture of all the children from that day. I can’t bring myself to taking a picture of all the children together yet. One of his close friends was working with his dad in another state, and came over that night. Little did he know it would be the last time to see Matthew. Memories that are special – memories that bring tears and still hurt - memories to be thankful for, than not having at all. At church we have a Thanksgiving dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Each family after the dinner time stands with their family and shares about the year and what they are thankful for. We have so much to be thankful for. But I don’t know how we will do it. Norm says he can’t. It seems unbearable. We want to avoid so much – yet, for the other children, we can’t. It’s not all just about “Matthew”. We have nine living children, but his death has zapped so much from us. I have seen my husband age before my eyes. The spark has not come back into his eyes. The children have noticed. They worry about their daddy. The bank tellers say he looks tired. His blood pressure has been up.

I have a dear old friend that lost his wife a little over a year ago. They were truly sweethearts. They were my Sunday School teachers when I was growing up and had not seen them in 20 years and was blessed to see them and say “good-bye” to his wife, 6 weeks before she died. I stay in touch with the man. One day he told me (in his southern accent) “honey, I learned pain pills, no matter how many you take, will not kill the pain of grief”. I never imagined this older, wiser man trying pain pills, but he too was walking this road of grief. He felt the pain. It’s real. It aches through the bones.

I’ve read through the book of Job several times since Matthew’s death. It’s one place I feel I can understand so well what he is feeling. He also had 10 children. I have the pain of burying two children. He lost all his. I can’t imagine. It’s when I think of the Trimper Family I have shared about recently. Their daughter Maddie just died. Their two sons have the same disease. I can understand their deep grief, as today, they go through the funeral visitation a time mourning, yet such a blur. But they have an additional “shadow” of death with their two son’s that could also succumb to this disease. I can’t imagine. I have much to be thankful for.

On 4-23-05 I marked in my Bible Job 30:16, 17, & 28: "And now my soul is poured out within me; Days of affliction have seized me, At night it pierces my bones within me, And my gnawing pains take no rest. . . Days of affliction confront me. I go about mourning without comfort." I still understand that pain.

Job 28:17, 18 – Have you entered into the springs of the sea Or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to you, Or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? I have.

Job 6:14 - For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty. This shows so clearly how we do need to encourage one another, and friends are needed through these rough times from day one to many years later, especially with the loss of a child. Don't forget. I think this had been one part hard for me (& my husband), when it seems close friends & family forget where we are and that we are in such pain. It can be quite lonely. (Also see Job 19:13-22)

Job 17:11 - My days are past, my plans are torn apart, even the wishes of my heart.

Job 9:25 - HOPE - Though I say, 'I will forget my complaint, I will leave off my sad countenance and be cheerful', I am afraid of all my pains, I know that you will not acquit me.

Job 11:16 (NIV) MORE HOPE & a PROMISE - You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. God says someday our tears will be wiped away, and to think of these times "as waters gone by" - it is hard to imagine when it hurts so much now.

Job 5:11 . . . He sets on high those who are lowly, And those who mourn are lifted to safety.

Psalm 30:5 . . . weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. The night has been long.

And a verse that has been given to me many times by a close friend as a reminder:

Job 23:10 - But He knows the way I take; When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Getting to the point of being as gold for Jesus, is quite painful. We aren't giving up. But to our family and friends alike, don't give up on us either. It's really hard. We are hurting. We are not over anything. This month coming month will be hard, and we might not know what to do with any of it. It might be last minute decisions. We might change our mind a minute later. Maybe we will win some trip to Hawaii and take the whole family for ALL the holidays! But, close friend of mine whose mom died a 1 1/2 years ago said the firsts, especially the holidays, we can't run away from, but she said she cried through them. Running away sounds easier at times! Just keep praying - for peace that floods us - for our patience - for more silly things from the little ones that makes us laugh more - for "joy in the morning."