Location: MICHIGAN, United States

Thank you for stopping by. It's my hope you find glimpses of my Savior interwoven thru my writings. I am the wife to one husband for over 25 years, a blessed mama to a dozen children, yes each born from me ~ two of which see Jesus face to face & ten at home, all of us yearning to see Jesus someday. We have been home educating for over 18 years with . . . well, another 15 years to go (the youngest is 3, the oldest 23!) I have walked through rejection, to continually learning I am CALLED, LOVED and forever KEPT by God - never, ever to be rejected by Jesus! (Jude 1:1) I've walked through deep sorrow to find that joy does come again, though the night may be long; I've witnessed God orchestrating miracles with my children still beyond my comprehension, & I am seeing new love forming as we begin a new road of older children finding life mates. My life has and is a journey, from the deepest, almost rock bottom pit, to stumbling through my faith and looking towards the ultimate climax of everlasting life in heaven. Will you be joining me here and there? ~ Loni

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

In Memory of My Mom

My mom died two years ago today. I got the call just a half hour before she died, from my childhood pastor. He told me she probably would not make it through the day. There were a lot of mixed feelings. I had prayed and hoped for a reconciliation with my mom for many, many years. It wasn't going to happen. My husband and I were talking about trying to make it home (a 6 hour drive) to see if we could try to see her one more time before she died. We talked with the children. They even cried for a grandma they never got to know. We prayed together. I then nervously called the hospital, prepared for the rejection again. My sister answered my mom's room. My mom had just died minutes before. Though we weren't there in person, it was as though we were there. We think we may have even been praying, when my mom slipped away. I have been thankful for God's timing, in preparing my heart, and to have been in thought of her, when she slipped away.

We went to the memorial service at the end of that week. My dad and sister knew we were coming. We brought three of our children with us - Matthew, Heidi, & Bethany. My dad had seen Matthew & Heidi before as little ones. He shook Matthew's hand and told him what a firm handshake he had. He talked with his grandson for the first time. After the service Matthew told us he wished he could stay and talk to my dad more - maybe help him towards reconciliation - but most of all his heart was towards serving him - helping a lonely man with chores around his house - helping him open his pool in the spring -being a friend. It was something that touched me, that never came about.

Nine months later, my dad called me - a first in over 20 years - to express his sadness of the loss of our son - the grandson he met and stood beside. We've talked several times since. Though it's not repaired, there's been some healing.

I was disappointed that the song "Because He Lives" was not sung at my mom's funeral. I remembered it as being her favorite song when I was growing up. When we were preparing Matthew's memorial service, we just could not think or know what to do. Our pastor chose the songs. The song we all sang together with the guests was "Because He Lives". Now, when I hear it, I think of my mom and Matthew. God certainly has a way of putting these little pieces together - like a pat on the hand - saying "I AM HERE - I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED".

I grieved over the loss of my mom, and the mom I never had. I grieved over words that were never said - and words that were said. There were a lot of "if only" or "I wish I would have . . ." It was easy to beat myself up with that. My pastor from my childhood has stayed a part of our lives, and he encouraged me with this. My mom has forgiven. She does not hold bitterness and anger anymore. She does not have regrets anymore. And, she loves me. The day I enter heaven's gate, she won't turn away. And, if she could come back, she'd say, life is too short, mend relationships, forgive, laugh, reach out to those around you. Mom, I've forgiven you too. I love you too. Give Matthew & Angela a hug for me.