In Memory of My Mom

My mom died two years ago today. I got the call just a half hour before she died, from my childhood pastor. He told me she probably would not make it through the day. There were a lot of mixed feelings. I had prayed and hoped for a reconciliation with my mom for many, many years. It wasn't going to happen. My husband and I were talking about trying to make it home (a 6 hour drive) to see if we could try to see her one more time before she died. We talked with the children. They even cried for a grandma they never got to know. We prayed together. I then nervously called the hospital, prepared for the rejection again. My sister answered my mom's room. My mom had just died minutes before. Though we weren't there in person, it was as though we were there. We think we may have even been praying, when my mom slipped away. I have been thankful for God's timing, in preparing my heart, and to have been in thought of her, when she slipped away.

We went to the memorial service at the end of that week. My dad and sister knew we were coming. We brought three of our children with us - Matthew, Heidi, & Bethany. My dad had seen Matthew & Heidi before as little ones. He shook Matthew's hand and told him what a firm handshake he had. He talked with his grandson for the first time. After the service Matthew told us he wished he could stay and talk to my dad more - maybe help him towards reconciliation - but most of all his heart was towards serving him - helping a lonely man with chores around his house - helping him open his pool in the spring -being a friend. It was something that touched me, that never came about.

Nine months later, my dad called me - a first in over 20 years - to express his sadness of the loss of our son - the grandson he met and stood beside. We've talked several times since. Though it's not repaired, there's been some healing.

I was disappointed that the song "Because He Lives" was not sung at my mom's funeral. I remembered it as being her favorite song when I was growing up. When we were preparing Matthew's memorial service, we just could not think or know what to do. Our pastor chose the songs. The song we all sang together with the guests was "Because He Lives". Now, when I hear it, I think of my mom and Matthew. God certainly has a way of putting these little pieces together - like a pat on the hand - saying "I AM HERE - I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED".

I grieved over the loss of my mom, and the mom I never had. I grieved over words that were never said - and words that were said. There were a lot of "if only" or "I wish I would have . . ." It was easy to beat myself up with that. My pastor from my childhood has stayed a part of our lives, and he encouraged me with this. My mom has forgiven. She does not hold bitterness and anger anymore. She does not have regrets anymore. And, she loves me. The day I enter heaven's gate, she won't turn away. And, if she could come back, she'd say, life is too short, mend relationships, forgive, laugh, reach out to those around you. Mom, I've forgiven you too. I love you too. Give Matthew & Angela a hug for me.