Eulogy for another son (updated)

This website was just shared with us. It speaks so well of many of our feelings and want to share it with you.

Eulogy for Alex by William Sloane Coffin

Since posting this we have gotten a few e-mails concerning this eulogy, specifically, with "But like God herself, Scripture is not around for anyone's protection, just for everyone's unending support. " I am not sure if that was a typo with "herself" or what, but no, we do not believe that way.

We mainly shared this as it shows the pain of a father, and his dealing with the death of a son. Sometimes in deep grieving we might not say what we mean, or our pain reaches to such a depth, we do wonder where God is in this whole picture. We know He is with us without a doubt, but yes, we have whys.

Here are a couple of quotes from the above mentioned eulogy that touched us, and you may not have read it as we would:

"...who enjoyed beating his old man at every game and in every race, beat his father to the grave."

We have told you how Matthew loved to play games - and he usually won. He was very competitive. He was one for details of figuring things out. The last game, he lost on earth. We lost a son on earth because of the last game. But then, I guess we could see it too, as he won finished the course, and won, finished before us to heaven. It's just all so bitter right now.

For some reason, nothing so infuriates me as the incapacity of seemingly intelligent people to get it through their heads that God doesn't go around this world with his fingers on triggers, his fists around knives, his hands on steering wheels. God is dead set against all unnatural deaths. And Christ spent an inordinate amount of time delivering people from paralysis, insanity, leprosy, and muteness. Which is not to say that there are no nature-caused deaths . . . But violent deaths, such as the one Alex died — to understand those is a piece of cake. As his younger brother put it simply, standing at the head of the casket at the Boston funeral, "You blew it, buddy. You blew it." The one thing that should never be said when someone dies is "It is the will of God." Never do we know enough to say that. My own consolation lies in knowing that it was not the will of God that Alex die; that when the waves closed over the sinking car, God's heart was the first of all our hearts to break.

Yes, Matthew blew it. His brothers have asked over and over why he did such an idiotic thing. His youngest brother has asked why he could figure out the answers to all games and did well with school, and this he didn't figure out. He blew it. But don't we all as Believers? Don't we all have a sin nature that sneeks in and we allow it to? This is what happened with Matthew. Do we love him less? No! Does God love him less? Absolutely not! Are we hurt even so? OHHHH enormously.

When parents die, as my mother did last month, (Loni's mom also died in the spring of 2004) they take with them a large portion of the past. But when children die, they take away the future as well. That is what makes the valley of the shadow of death seem so incredibly dark and unending. In a prideful way it would be easier to walk the valley alone, nobly, head high, instead of — as we must — marching as the latest recruit in the world's army of the bereaved.

Dreams broken . . . no graduation party, no wedding, no grandchildren from Matthew, no more tall hugs and him counting my gray hairs that are appearing, no more visiting him in the store he worked, no more Matthew walking through the back door after work asking "what's to eat Mumsie", no more him fullfilling the "candyman" dream at church (he wanted to be like his greatgrandpa and pass out candy to the kids at church - the Wednesday before his Saturday death, he handed out a lot of candy at church.) Lots of dreams broken, lots of tears instead.

Our hope . . .

And of course I know, even when pain is deep, that God is good. "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Yes, but at least, "My God, my God"; and the psalm only begins that way, it doesn't end that way. As the grief that once seemed unbearable begins to turn now to bearable sorrow, the truths in the "right" biblical passages are beginning, once again, to take hold: "Cast thy burden upon the Lord and He shall strengthen thee"; "Weeping may endure for the night but joy cometh in the morning"; "Lord, by thy favor thou hast made my mountain to stand strong"; "For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling"; "In this world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world"; "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Quotes in blue color are from the Eulogy of Alex by his father William Sloane Coffin and can be read in full here.