The gray cloud . . .

We are still going along, getting by, and going through this fog. The hardest part for all of us is dealing with Matthew's death, is the actual way he died. This has been the gray cloud over it all. It seems like a car accident would have been easier to deal with. We are finding out more and more how affixiations are something kids are playing around with in many different manners. I wish it was something I never knew about, but I feel like I know too much. We struggle with why Matthew choose to do such a dangerous thing. Even a couple of his close friends just shake their heads and just cannot believe Matthew would do something so stupid. They don't want to talk about it. I know we all do dumb things we regret, but this one is mind boggling. It's hard to get out of our minds. If he only could have understood the danger, and how this affects our whole family. Yes, I love my son dearly, and I am sure by his webpage, you know he was very much one we cherished (and still do), but I wish I could have him for 1 minute, shake the boy and tell him how much this has hurt us and his siblings he loved dearly, and how crushed we are, and then hug him with all my might and tell him I love him and forgive him and can't wait to see him in heaven. Some of these are so mixed up emotions.

So, yes, this continues to be a very painful road of many emotions. I wonder when things will ever seem "normal" or when we can go a day without the painful ache and tears. Certain things will hit me and I find myself shaking so much I can barely stand up. I know this took a great toll on all of us, and pray for health for us too. We all have been struggling with colds since Thanksgiving and I think with all the stresses we just are not able to get our immune systems built up. Everything seems to be a major chore - from making meals (I just through stuff together - it's hard to make a full course meal) - the crockpot is making most of our meals right now! I like to make the fun fur scarfs and have been doing a lot of that. I also make mother's bracelets, mainly for moms who have lost a baby (but make mother's bracelets and other occassion bracelets as well), and continue to make bracelets, which helps to keep me busy.

So please continue to pray as we sort things out, continue rebuilding the bathroom, and making changes downstairs, dealing individually with the children and their emotions (sometimes anger, sometimes great hurt), sleep especially for Norm and I, and just trying to get life a little settled to something "new" and "normal". We know it will be a long road to get there and the wounds will stay open for awhile. So don't forget to pray.

~~Loni