Keep praying . . .

We have had some real low, rough days. I don't know if we are coming out of the shock more, or if the reality of Matthew really being gone is hitting more. It's been some real long, deep hurting days. I started working on Matthew's scrapbook yesterday. I had already somewhat started it years ago, but had gotten way behind. My twin girls started digging out pictures, and we had quite a few out from a bulletin board we put up at the funeral. So, I started arranging it. Some of it was good, especially all the little baby and toddler pictures. But as we got to the older pictures, especially from the last year or so, it was so hard. At times I found my hands trembling so much I could barely cut pictures. It was hard making a page of his death notices. I find myself still just not adjusting to this that he is really gone.

As we were looking through Matthew's school papers, we found several more of his writings, including the one he wrote for Thanksgiving of the things he was thankful for. We have put this Thanksgiving Paper on our webpage. Maybe it will give you another glimpse of who he was.

We are still, (and know we will for a long time) dealing with a lot of the emotions of the children. When one of them wants to talk about the hard time they are having, we try to do it in private, as it seems to bring them all down. We know at times we do all need to talk together, but right now there is continual discussions and tears, and reminders. This is real hard at times, as we don't have the answers. Benjamin & Jayson, the two that found him and are so affected by this, will ask us over and over WHY Matthew did this. Benjamin said today, "Matthew was so smart, he could figure out any game and win - why couldn't he figure out how dangerous this was. Why??" It's not an answer we can give.

I personally have had two of the lowest days. It's hard to go to bed, knowing I will have a hard time sleeping - it's hard getting up in the morning, knowing I have to face another day of reality. Even before I get out of bed many mornings, one of the children will come in to talk, cry, or just need the closeness of mom. We have our faith, and I don't minimize that at all. I know God is holding us, and carrying us through, but it still seems like a heavy load as we not only deal with our own deep hurt, but all dealing with each of the children's pain. It seems to intensify. This is hard with God - I cannot imagine going through this without God.

As I was talking to our Pastor on the phone today, another call came in, which I switched to. It was a Christian college calling to talk to Matthew, because he had inquired on an aviation course. Matthew for years talked of flying. It took my breath away again - and had to tell the gal that Matthew died.

I was talking to the Pastor & his wife today, sharing about our low days, and they came and spent a couple of hours with us tonight, having devotions with us and just sharing, and praying with us. I think it picked us all up some.

One verse Pastor brought up, was one Norm has often reminded me of through the years, and is so appropriate for us now as we go through the "what ifs" and "if only".

Finally, brethern,

whatever is true,

whatever is honorable,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is of good repute,

if there is any excellence

and if anything worthy of praise,

dwell (ponder, think) on these things.

Philippians 4:8

Please pray for us that we can apply this verse. It is so easy to consume ourselves to the what ifs, and what we could have done differently and trying to figure out how Matthew learned of this, and sometimes this alone is probably tearing us apart. Please pray that we can start to heal. We know it's only 3 1/2 weeks but seems so intense. We feel so wounded and are looking for the joy in the morning again.

~~Loni

This is from several years ago of Jayson & Matthew playing a board game - very typical scene in our home.