One bedroom done . . . two to go!

Well, our two youngest boys are finally out of the living room sleeping on the couch, and now are in their "new bedroom". If you look back to 02/12/05 you will see the changes we are making with exchanging bedrooms. So, they are tucked in and going to sleep and have been excited about it. It's a "race car" theme. We put a race car border at the top, and I stenciled, (and stenciled and stenciled!) a black and white checker pattern around the room that is about 6 inches high. What a job! They have their new posters up (some that were given as gifts) and new bedding (also a gift) and are thrilled! It's nice to see their excitement back. :) We moved their bunkbed and dressers up. The twins still have a lot of their hanging clothes and books in the closet till we get them moved (which means getting Norm and I moved first!).

As the boys moved stuff out of their room today, we came across some more of Matthew's things, that brings that lump back in our throats and the pain in our hearts. Even at times today, and not letting the boys know, it just "stings" to know we are having to do this because of Matthew's death. Sometimes again I am mad at his foolishness, and then the next minute I want to just hug him one more time and run my fingers through his hair. Ohhh, the things we don't treasure at the time, that we hang on to later. And today, we got his state income tax refund back. He would have been so excited. Instead, we put it into our savings for his gravestone.

It feels like we are moving forward, with the rocks along the path that we stumble over, fall down, and need to wipe the tears away from the pain. It's still pretty fresh. I get so many notes of how "strong" I sound. I am a normal person who definitely has the ups and downs. I question, I have the "I wishes", I thank God for the 16 years . . . and then, cry over the broken dreams - of the child we will always remember as "forever 16". We won't see him maturing in our minds. There's no graduation party we were talking about, there's no courtship or girlfriend, there's no wedding or grandchildren from him . . . but then as I break down over these lost future dreams, I know without a doubt he is before Jesus, maybe has not even gotten off his knees yet from praising Him. I wonder about his first moment in heaven - did he wonder how he got there - did he think "oh no - they are going to find me dead" - or will it seem like a blink of the eyes and he will turn around and we will be reunited? When death like this touches someone, it certainly does bring heaven, Jesus, and the reality of eternity a lot closer. If you are a person that fell across our page, and don't know Jesus as your personal Savior like Matthew did/does, and my husband and I with the assurance that we will be in heaven, please seek out the Lord. He is waiting for you. As I have mentioned before, one of Matthew's favorite songs was by MercyMe, and their song, I Can Only Imagine. If you click the link there, it gives the words, along with the meaning of how to know Jesus. If one person comes to know the Lord because of Matthew's death, though our pain is still so raw right now, we know for eternity's perspective "it will be worth it all, when we see Jesus."

~~Loni