Location: MICHIGAN, United States

Thank you for stopping by. It's my hope you find glimpses of my Savior interwoven thru my writings. I am the wife to one husband for over 25 years, a blessed mama to a dozen children, yes each born from me ~ two of which see Jesus face to face & ten at home, all of us yearning to see Jesus someday. We have been home educating for over 18 years with . . . well, another 15 years to go (the youngest is 3, the oldest 23!) I have walked through rejection, to continually learning I am CALLED, LOVED and forever KEPT by God - never, ever to be rejected by Jesus! (Jude 1:1) I've walked through deep sorrow to find that joy does come again, though the night may be long; I've witnessed God orchestrating miracles with my children still beyond my comprehension, & I am seeing new love forming as we begin a new road of older children finding life mates. My life has and is a journey, from the deepest, almost rock bottom pit, to stumbling through my faith and looking towards the ultimate climax of everlasting life in heaven. Will you be joining me here and there? ~ Loni

Monday, February 07, 2005

Sleepless Night

It's almost 5 am and here I am. I've not slept at all yet. It's strange how going through this grieving, how some nights now I can fall asleep, but other nights I feel so fidgety and sleep won't come. It's been some rough days and I don't want this to sound like "woe is me", but I want to beg God for some "normalcy" and no more piled on our plate to deal with. Norm was laid off Friday from his job. It was just a temp job through a staffing company, and he was close to his 90 days, but not close enough to get unemployment. The place he was working at seemed to really like him, and did tell Norm if things pick up in 2-3 weeks they may call him back. In the mean time we are hoping the staffing place can find something else for Norm.

Sunday morning at church the teen boys sang. It was the first time they sang since Matthew died. That was hard not seeing him there.

I just read an excellent book called When I Lay My Isaac Down, by Carol Kent. Though our stories are totally different, the emotions are so similar. Carol's only child, a son, was charged with first degree murder for murdering his wife's ex-husband. I am too sleepy to go into great length of the book, but when I was first told about it, I checked my library system, and there were six, and they were all loaned out. A friend later sent one to me, and I read it in one day. I recommend it to anyone - to understand what the hurting go through, and if you are one that may have lost a child, or has a rebellious one, it would be very encouraging to read. She even speaks of trying to find the "new normal".

Right now I feel we are at rock bottom. It's easy for Norm & I to snap at each other, and not take the time to work through things. Tensions have been high the last few days. We each grieve and react differently and at times it's hard to understand the other's reasoning with things. We know how important it is to work on our relationship during this time, so please do pray for us that we will not allow our marriage, our relationship and the responsibility we have with our children to be worn down. It's not only a physical loss we have had and emotional pain, but a deffinite spiritual battle that is going on and we don't way the enemy winning. Carol Kent in her book talks about her son being as Isaac, when Abraham was told to use him as an offering, and then, God provided a lamb. We all have Isaac's to lay down, including the frictions we are going through, that we have to lay down. It's not easy. So many will say to me how strong I am, but at times I feel like I am crumbling apart. It's God's complete strength I need - "I" am not strong.

Thank you for praying and caring.



Blogger Luke's Mom said...

Hi Loni,

Just want to let you know that the Lord put you on my heart last night to pray for you, now I know why. We to are going through a deep valley once again with our Luke, he ended up back in the Hospital on Saturday with a high fever and heart rate, we did get to bring him home that night, but we are still battling something in his body. As I was awake all night on Friday night the Lord would bring your family to my mind to pray for you, it helps to get my mind off my situation and pray for your family.

I totally understand about what people are saying about being strong. One minute I feel so strong and the next I feel like I'm going to completely fall apart, I'm sure it is the same way with you. All I can say is just take your time in trying to get things back to a new normal, it's not going to happen soon and you might as well not stress about it. I was told a long time ago and I totally agree with it that the Lord will fill in the gaps that we have in our homeschooling as we fill our children up with His love and wisdom, that is what I'm praying for your family to feel his love, strength and seek his wisdom, as I know you already are.

Though I don't know you personally I love you all and will continue to pray, until God tells me to do otherwise.

Love in Christ,

2/07/2005 12:07 PM  
Blogger Teena said...

Dear Loni,
You have been on my heart. Last night I was up late and came to see if you had blogged. I too, check Luke's blog and know that they are struggling with whatever is going on with Little Luke. I want you to know I feel so inadequate to even make any comments to you, Norm & your family. I also feel this way with Luke's family. I do not KNOW what each of you are going through. I am praying that God will show Norm... and you ... something with the job. I can say that my heart hurts and I can't imagine the pain, fustration, weariness... that you feel. I know that God in His great wisdom can say it when I can not.......

please know that HE is with you. HE loves you and will carry you when you feel you can not go on.... HE will give you HIS strength.

with love,

2/07/2005 1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Loni-I, like Teena, don't know how to comfort you or feel I have the right words to say as I read of your pain and that of your family. I DO know prayer will always help and the Lord will never fail you so I will try to help you and your family that way...Try looking back each night on the day you have just spent and find those "baby steps" that have been taken by you or Norm or one of the kids, they are there but sometimes we don't realize it. The Lord loves you and your family and I believe he is wrapping you in that love daily.

2/08/2005 1:29 PM  

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