Sleepless Night

It's almost 5 am and here I am. I've not slept at all yet. It's strange how going through this grieving, how some nights now I can fall asleep, but other nights I feel so fidgety and sleep won't come. It's been some rough days and I don't want this to sound like "woe is me", but I want to beg God for some "normalcy" and no more piled on our plate to deal with. Norm was laid off Friday from his job. It was just a temp job through a staffing company, and he was close to his 90 days, but not close enough to get unemployment. The place he was working at seemed to really like him, and did tell Norm if things pick up in 2-3 weeks they may call him back. In the mean time we are hoping the staffing place can find something else for Norm.

Sunday morning at church the teen boys sang. It was the first time they sang since Matthew died. That was hard not seeing him there.

I just read an excellent book called When I Lay My Isaac Down, by Carol Kent. Though our stories are totally different, the emotions are so similar. Carol's only child, a son, was charged with first degree murder for murdering his wife's ex-husband. I am too sleepy to go into great length of the book, but when I was first told about it, I checked my library system, and there were six, and they were all loaned out. A friend later sent one to me, and I read it in one day. I recommend it to anyone - to understand what the hurting go through, and if you are one that may have lost a child, or has a rebellious one, it would be very encouraging to read. She even speaks of trying to find the "new normal".

Right now I feel we are at rock bottom. It's easy for Norm & I to snap at each other, and not take the time to work through things. Tensions have been high the last few days. We each grieve and react differently and at times it's hard to understand the other's reasoning with things. We know how important it is to work on our relationship during this time, so please do pray for us that we will not allow our marriage, our relationship and the responsibility we have with our children to be worn down. It's not only a physical loss we have had and emotional pain, but a deffinite spiritual battle that is going on and we don't way the enemy winning. Carol Kent in her book talks about her son being as Isaac, when Abraham was told to use him as an offering, and then, God provided a lamb. We all have Isaac's to lay down, including the frictions we are going through, that we have to lay down. It's not easy. So many will say to me how strong I am, but at times I feel like I am crumbling apart. It's God's complete strength I need - "I" am not strong.

Thank you for praying and caring.

~~Loni