This week . . .

Well, I guess this week will be one of anticipations, reflections, praise, sorrow, tears and laughter. It's our little Katie's 4th birthday on Friday. It's Matthew's - would be - 17th birthday on Saturday, and 24 weeks since his death. It's "funny" as I reflect back to his past birthdays. He would joke about having to share his birthday with Katie - with extended family coming on one of their birthdays and them celebrating together. Bethany, our baby, was due the day after his birthday, and that did not thrill him at all! She was born early. Like with my twins, we try to do things separately for them as individuals, but many times for convenience we did celebrate together. I felt bad for the kids. And now I look how God allowed these birthdays to be close. It's not a whole month of mourning for us. We have Bethany's birthday at the beginning of the month, and Katie's birthday to celebrate the day before his birthday. God is "making" us count our blessings. Oh yes, there will be tears - many of them. But what wonder to pick up my little ones, even with those tears, and be so thankful for ALL God has given us. I don't want Katie growing up thinking there is always sadness with her birthday. I don't think especially this first one without Matthew, that she will remember the tears as much as she remembers the fun of celebrating her birthday.

It's been my goal this year to catch up all the kid's scrapbooks. I really started working hard on Matthew's after he died, and felt guilty that I was concentrating so much on his and the others would think they are not as important. I've got 3 now almost all caught up. But as I have worked on Matthew's and looked through the book over and over, I just cannot grasp at times, when we were celebrating his birthday last year - we never imagined, this year, without him. At times, it still does not seem real. I still slip and say his name when I am calling for one of the kids. I did it today. The other day I came across something of his, and that pain just hits again, and Norm and I have our talks and tears together, and again will ask why, and what did we miss, and why was he so foolish - and yet, did God protect his future from rejecting God, getting involved in something worse, from leading his siblings astray? As a young mom I remember praying that God would take my children early if they were to reject Him, or never come to know Him. I wondered often with my miscarried babies and Angela (stillborn), if that is why God allowed them to leave us so early. Matthew never denied God. He had a passion for God - and Satan knew that too. He spoke so often of spiritual things. Satan found his weakness - like he can find any of ours - where ANY of us can give into something. We have no doubts whatsoever that Matthew is in heaven. What hope we have. And what peace to have even with our slipbacks and failures, that with our personal belief and relationship with Jesus, we will be with Him, and our loved ones who've gone ahead of us, forever.

This will be a week of mixed emotions. Be praying for Norm and I and the children. Music is something that chokes us up many times, as with the several songs we have shared on this blog. We had a special worship group at our church today, and their songs of heaven and the cross, brought tears to Norm and I several times. The ache is real. The pain still hurts. But we know we have to keep going, and have such a big job God is holding us accountable for with the other children. We are getting together on Matthew's birthday with some close friends and Norm's parents to put his gravestone down. We don't want it another "funeral" but a time of remembering Matthew. We plan on letting go 17 red (his favorite color) balloons - so let us know if you get one! :) The children overall are doing well. The two that found Matthew, though they still talk of the day, they are doing well. One of our children struggles with Matthew's "selfishness" that he struggled with and died that way (as this child puts it), and we pray can be forgiving and remember the good times instead of keeping the feelings inside and avoiding any mention of Matthew. It's something we are working with.

Thank you for following our journey with us, for caring and praying. I can't imagine going through this without God, and the prayers of so many. You've helped carry us.