Location: MICHIGAN, United States

Thank you for stopping by. It's my hope you find glimpses of my Savior interwoven thru my writings. I am the wife to one husband for over 25 years, a blessed mama to a dozen children, yes each born from me ~ two of which see Jesus face to face & ten at home, all of us yearning to see Jesus someday. We have been home educating for over 18 years with . . . well, another 15 years to go (the youngest is 3, the oldest 23!) I have walked through rejection, to continually learning I am CALLED, LOVED and forever KEPT by God - never, ever to be rejected by Jesus! (Jude 1:1) I've walked through deep sorrow to find that joy does come again, though the night may be long; I've witnessed God orchestrating miracles with my children still beyond my comprehension, & I am seeing new love forming as we begin a new road of older children finding life mates. My life has and is a journey, from the deepest, almost rock bottom pit, to stumbling through my faith and looking towards the ultimate climax of everlasting life in heaven. Will you be joining me here and there? ~ Loni

Friday, July 15, 2005

The Door

It's been some relatively quiet, uneventful days, in the very hot, humid low 90 degree weather here. I have been working on Stephen's graduation open house cards, and making him thank you cards too, which he can use to send out (of course, blank inside for HIM to write). The thank you cards had to be simple - nothing fancy or he'd not use them, so I did just his monogramed initials.

But we had some "Matthew Moments" tonight that hit pretty hard. Norm was working downstairs some, finishing off the bathroom, and got the bathroom door up. He asked me to come down to see it, and of course, a trail of children followed. For some reason it was like "the door" hit me in the face, and I noticed the silence with several of the children. Even though the bathroom is totally remodeled - larger - brighter - different colors, the door was a major memory. A locked door we could not get into the day Matthew died. A white door. I came upstairs, and Benjamin immediately broke down, and asked if we "really" needed to have a bathroom door. He was the one who found Matthew. He told me, just sobbing, relating all over again, how he tried to bang the door down - how he wished he tried sooner. He said the "door part" is the same - it's just moved down a bit. He said, maybe he should just not go downstairs at all, but it would be hard when mama and daddy's bedroom is down there cuz he'd want to see us. He's thinking, hurting, trying to be brave, and it's just too much for my little guy to have gone through. This is when I not only hurt with them, hurt as a mom, but get angry to at it all. Jessica remembered knocking before we had gone looking for him, and found no answer - she has regrets. It just brought it all rushing back - the deep hurt and pain of that day. So, Benjamin & Jessica especially tonight needed to "review" that day, and talk about it. They also have friends asking questions, which we have to be able to help them answer in a very general way. We are going to paint the door tomorrow, and see if that helps. We'll let the kids be part of it (if they want to), and see if that helps. Otherwise, not sure what we will do. One of those doorways with the hanging beads??

To get the kids minds off what they were thinking of tonight, we showed them this on the internet that was sent to me last night. Now, let me warn you, this is no pretty picture. It's the "ugliest dog in the world" picture - and this dog has won 3 years in a row. It's awful - yet we got some good laughs. One of my friends though told me it was not the best image for her before bed - so be warned, IF you want to look at it!