Location: MICHIGAN, United States

Thank you for stopping by. It's my hope you find glimpses of my Savior interwoven thru my writings. I am the wife to one husband for over 25 years, a blessed mama to a dozen children, yes each born from me ~ two of which see Jesus face to face & ten at home, all of us yearning to see Jesus someday. We have been home educating for over 18 years with . . . well, another 15 years to go (the youngest is 3, the oldest 23!) I have walked through rejection, to continually learning I am CALLED, LOVED and forever KEPT by God - never, ever to be rejected by Jesus! (Jude 1:1) I've walked through deep sorrow to find that joy does come again, though the night may be long; I've witnessed God orchestrating miracles with my children still beyond my comprehension, & I am seeing new love forming as we begin a new road of older children finding life mates. My life has and is a journey, from the deepest, almost rock bottom pit, to stumbling through my faith and looking towards the ultimate climax of everlasting life in heaven. Will you be joining me here and there? ~ Loni

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Walking this road . . .

We are all doing “okay”. It’s been a week of ups and downs, but overall pretty good. I think Norm & I are able to see things “together” more and seem to be at least at this time, grieving somewhat of the same way, and understand each other better. Some things just plain hurt, as we walk this road. Yesterday, Norm found some school things on his computer Matthew had worked on. It just brought back that lump for both of us. He was asked too how he is doing, if he is still “depressed” and it’s not a matter of “depression” it’s just getting through this unknown road of grieving a loss of a child. There’s no manual that can tell us what bumps we are going to run into and how far it will set us back- be it for an hour or all day. In many ways it’s a lonely road because so many just do not understand this road, are afraid to ask what we are facing on this road, and don’t want to walk this road with us, and most of all will not mention Matthew’s name. The kids feel it too – and will tell us how awful others will feel if they slip and call one of our boys, “Matthew” – like it should not be a name mentioned.

Last night four of our children, our “teenagers”, went to a friends with other homeschool teenage kids. We know the family hosting the party well. But, it was hard seeing just four of them going, and Matthew would have loved it. They sat around a bonfire and were asked to give a “highlight” of their summer. Our girls said they couldn’t think of anything to say. We understand. It was a survival summer.

Thursday I had the privilege of spending the day with a good friend, Kris, who is due in a month with her third child. This friend, was a girl I use to live with, and babysat HER and her siblings! Her mom and I were good friends. Her mom died 2 years ago. Now, Kris has become like a younger sister to me. She is 36 weeks pregnant, but is having a lot of contractions and on total bedrest, with an almost 3 year old girl and 1 ½ year old boy running around! So I brought one of my older girls to help run after them, and one of my younger girls to play with them. We had a nice time just talking and sharing. It’s a blessing for me how our friendship has developed. She has gone early with her other babies. Her last pregnancy she was actually pregnant with twins, and lost one, so this pregnancy is a little more stressful. So as you are reading this, if you can pray for Kris and the new little blessing, Caleb, I know it will encourage and strengthen them.

Norm had an interview Friday afternoon at a local tool & die. We are both totally open to God entirely leading this – be it an open or closed door. It is through a staffing agency, and he’s been told it’s only a “temporary job” with a slight possibility it going permanent. He did interview at the job site today for almost 2 hours. The good thing about it is it is less than a 10 minute drive from our home. The hard part is, it could be lots of hours, and being we have learned to live on a lot less, Norm does not want to get into something where he is away from the family so much. It’s also second shift, which is what our family is use to. The other thing is, this job is starting about the same time he took a job last year that was temporary, which was when Matthew died. Thankfully, it’s a completely different place, different direction to drive. So, I think either way it goes, we will be fine with it, though they have told him it will probably be two – three weeks before a decision is made.

Today Benjamin had a meltdown, missing his brother tremendously. As I mentioned before, this is bow hunting season. Our oldest has gotten two deer with his bow. This morning Benjamin was out practicing, and his sisters were too, with him. But, it just was not the same, and something with their "game" just did not go right, and he came in crying. In talking with him at length, he just plain misses Matthew and remembers all the times he practiced with him, and went out hunting with him. Benjamin cannot actually hunt yet, but he would go and sit quietly with Matthew. Special bonds were made with this. He told us how so many different things, he wants to turn around and see Matthew participating. He said too, he always thinks of "it" - Matthew's death - on Saturday's. Today, is Saturday. He's still a pretty crushed little boy. Our hearts broke with him this morning. Later in the afternoon Norm & the boys went out and got a new deer decoy to shoot at. The one they were using was just like a regular target on a hay bundle. So, this is something new and different that the boys & Norm can do together, but still shoot their bows. I think this will help.

I've been blessed this past week or so with a new friendship. A family came across Matthew's webpage, and also went through the same heartache we have. It's incredible (probably not the right word) of how similar our stories are. They are a Christian, homeschool family, have 6 children. Their son that died also wrote a beautiful poem shortly before he died. Matthew had written for a school assignment, "In God's Timing", which we had read at the funeral. But the similarities with wanting changes in the home, wanting everything VERY well lit, and her sharing in how they go through these past 3 years has been so helpful. The mom, Wendy, has been a great encouragement to me, and am very thankful for her honesty, and reaching out to me. I am thankful the way God leads with these "little" treasures along the way, to show He in deed cares, and does not leave us or forsake us, and show us through things like this. If you read this Wendy, THANK YOU!