Ramblings . . .

Our boys are doing "okay". We had both Stephen and Jayson back in ER yesterday, mainly because Stephen has an extreme headache and just does not feel like eating. Jayson's back is aching quite a bit too. So our family doctor told us to go to ER since it's still within 72 hours of the accident. When the accident first happened we went to a different hospital in a bigger city. For this check-up we went to our local hospital, where Matthew was also taken and where they worked on him for an hour, and then were told he was definitely gone. I thought when I first talked to the doctor's office that he was just ordering tests and we would not have to go through the ER, but to make a long story short, we did have to go through the ER. To say the least, I fell apart. It was really hard going through those doors. Thankfully, the first nurse to see us, was one of them that was with us when we said our good-byes to Matthew in the hospital, and she recognized me and gave me a big hug and was very compassionate. I finally was able to settle down, and we did not have to go near the room Matthew had been in. We spent 5 hours in ER, and they especially put Stephen through a lot of tests - everything from a head CAT scan, to many x-rays, and blood tests. Stephen does not have any bleeds in his head but because of the magnitude of his headaches probably does have some concussions. We were concerned about his jaw either being broken or fractured, but that is "okay" but he might have some major TMJ to deal with. His knees are pretty bruised and sore, especially if he twists a certain way. He also has slight pneumonia, because when he coughs it hurts his head so much, so he is holding it all in. So, he is on an antibiotic plus some stronger pain killers. Jayson's back x-rays turned out fine. He walks around stiff, but is getting back to more of his normal self.

Stephen's truck was towed back to our house yesterday. What a miracle that our boys made it through it. The dashboard is almost down to the seat. There is blood all over inside. There is another interesting story with the accident. When Stephen was in the ambulance he heard the other man spelling out his last name. Stephen recognized it, and found out that he is taking the automotive class with his son, and had even invited his son to our church. While we were in ER the first time, his son came up to visit Stephen and we then went to visit the father who was in the accident. He was very kind and was the one who told us he tried to avoid hitting the door. We apologized for the accident and he just kept saying "these things happen" and was thankful everyone was ok. His son has called several times to talk to Stephen. We just don't know God's plan here, but for some reason he put them all together for this. We also had the opportunity to invite them all to our church, which is just down the street from them.

So, we continue walking this road - things we never imagined we would be going through. Many ask how "I" the mom is doing. I am quite frazzled, and have been pretty emotional and just keyed up from all of this. It's been a lot in a short time, and I definitely feel like I am on overload. The last several nights I have slept better (thank you for praying) but I have a hard time getting out of bed - just knowing we have to face another day, without Matthew, and seeing two sons so hurt and the rest of the children still grieving and hurting, though the tears have been a little less. The boys are still all sleeping upstairs. We have not gotten much done downstairs, and the process has been slow. It's just plain wearing. I did talk to a friend today, to get the word out that we do need to have someone outside the family get Matthew's bed/mattress out of their bedroom. This is just something so personal. With a large family, it is not like the children have their own bedroom or their own closet or even their own dresser. Their beds were like their little sanctuary, and they kept their treasures there, and put things on the walls they wanted. Each have a small Rubbermaid type box at the ends of their bed that they keep things in that everyone else is to stay out of. It is off limits for the children to go into each others beds. I remember so much talking to Matthew in his bed, from the young boy who I already told you about grieved over the loss of a miscarried baby, and when we lost our stillborn daughter Angela, he also gripped my heart one night. It had been a rough morning before I left for a doctor's appointment. We had sick kids and I was not in a good mood, and was sharp with the children. It was at the doctor's appointment that I started to hemorrhage, and I ended up having Angela by emergency c-section, and she was stillborn. Weeks later, as we said good-night to Matthew up in his bed, he broke down, and said "Mom I am so glad you did not die that day we lost Angela, because you were real mad when you left, and if you died, that is what we would have remembered." Oh, my! Talk about conviction! It has stayed in my mind so much, that when we do have disagreements, to make sure when we leave each other, that things are made right, and we don't go to bed angry. We just never know. Our whole family is SO thankful that with Matthew, there had been no bitter words said the day before, no agruements, no "I wish I would not have said . . .". We are just so thankful.

But as I have rambled on here, Matthew's bed is still in the bedroom, and is just such a sweet part of him, and often I will still go and lay down my head on his upper bunk bed, and cry, and wish I could pull back the covers and wake up the sleepy kid. I miss him so. Yet, I do see our lives moving forward, and know with God's grace, we will make it. The road is going to be rough, but I think we at least know that "joy in the morning" is just over the horizon. Thanks for your continued prayers.

~~Loni