Why the format change?

I was surprised this morning to receive numerous e-mails why we changed the format of our blog, and taking Matthew's picture off this blog and replacing with a "barn". Several were concerned that we are having a "rougher time", and it's not that. Actually, I talked to Norm about it first. He often reads what I post - helps me make changes, or take something out - or add something. I asked him last night about taking Matthew's picture off the blog. I was surprised that it actually seemed to bother him more at first. We discussed it, and the main reason we are writing the blog is more of an update of what we doing "as a family", and it's not "centered" on Matthew, but first as God being the center of our home. He has blessed us with a large family. Yes, we are still grieving. We have very much up and down days, or should I say, up and down moments. I will think, we are "doing better today" and then suddenly something hits us. Even last night as I was watching the little ones playing on the teeter totter, it brought back the memories of Matthew as a playful little boy, and I got teary-eyed. Melody (5) noticed it, and said to Norm, "Mommy is sad because Matthew used to love his teeter-totter". I cannot even remember if Matthew had one, but interesting she picked up on the mood!

Anyway, Norm & I talked about it, and we do have Matthew's Memorial Webpage, which we keep updated, and certainly will talk here of what we are going through as we go through this valley, but we are also looking for "joy in the morning." I know many bloggers have "their" picture on it, but first, I don't like pictures of me, and second, it's about our family, and our family picture would be quite small in that little frame. So, we will change it from time to time, but I liked the picture the kids just took on my digital of our little barn. We have many memories there from the past - and new ones to be made there. Norm originally built it almost 8 years ago when Jessica was born, and diagnosed with heart problems. We were encouraged to give her formual for more calories, and I wanted to keep nursing her. So, we got goats, and also gave her goat's milk - and the rest of our family. There is a lot of nutritional value with goat's milk, and most like mother's milk - and none of the added hormones or antibiotics we get in store bought milk. But, when Norm was first laid off two years ago, and we had to make changes in our spending, we did end up finding homes for our goats, because of the expense of hay and grain. :( We hope to get goats and lambs again for our "younger generation" of children to experience this. Stephen and Matthew were a part of many years of milking the goats, cleaning the stalls, playing in the upper hayloft, getting loads of hay up there, etc. Good, sweet memories.

Today was one of those days too, when it started out well - and then we got the mail. Matthew collected coins and mail-ordered a few coins, and now gets "junk" mail for this. We get this often. But today too, we got a medical bill addressed to Matthew, asking "him" to explain the accident that happened on 12/11/04- the day he died. So, I had to call to tell them Matthew died that day, and the gal said she was sorry, and to throw the letter away and it did not have to be answered (thankfully). So, those little things come at unannouced times, and catch us off-guard.

We still have a lot to go through. Even this first Easter holiday - Good Friday service, early morning Ressurection Sunday service/breakfast - though focused on our Jesus who died for us, we will miss Matthew being here a part of our family. Norm has expressed this several times how it's going to be so different, and remembering last year in what we did. These are our "growing & grieving pains."

Thank you for thinking of us, and praying.

~~Loni